Why do I feel that way? Perhaps it's because I know that parts of my body (my pancreas; my thyroid) are already faulty and I wonder, in an unjustified way, if that condition is shared elsewhere. Perhaps it's because it took longer than we had hoped to become pregnant, and so the whole thing feels a little fragile. Perhaps it's because I know so many who have had miscarriages, and I wonder if that will be my experience, too.
It's part of why I was so strict about what I ate, drank, and did for the first six weeks after I knew I was pregnant - lots of restrictions, and I stuck to them faithfully.
But right around the beginning of week 15, I felt something that I regard as welcome relief from my worry. I felt a kick.
Well, maybe not a kick so much as a nudge. A drumming. The feeling of popcorn popping in my stomach. (The first time I read that description on a pregnancy site, I thought, "What? That's a horrible description. I can't even imagine what that would feel like. How will I know?" Well, Whitney, you just will.) Whatever it was, it was movement, and proof that Baby V is alive and well (and perhaps Riverdancing) in there.
I had my 18-week check-up yesterday, and while we skipped the ultrasound, we did hear a heartbeat. In the past two appointments we had no trouble locating it - a few swipes across my belly, and there it was, loud and clear. This time, however, it seemed that the kid had thrown the placenta between it and us, so much of what we heard for the first few minutes was my heartbeat, not the baby's.
I tried to tell myself that it can't be an easy find each time, and I reminded myself of the movement I'd felt. I held my breath, and desperately wished and wished. And, minutes later, the technician and I both grinned and sighed simultaneously as we finally heard it.
148 bpm. Perfect.
That sound is something I long to hear more often than every four weeks, but in between, I'll settle for getting kicked.
And the worry? It's fading with each bit of weight gained, each week elapsed, and each nudge felt. Now that I have a constant reminder that things are okay, I can start to release the worry that they're not.
I have this theory that if you talk about bad things out loud they won't happen. This is the crazy person in me talking, not the nurse, but so far so good. That baby needs to make an appearance simply because Billy is so excited about it. And that wouldn't be fair to Billy, I think :)
ReplyDeleteHang on to that hope, my friend. You are a wonderful mom already.
ReplyDeleteMichael Flatley Vlasnik is a lovely name for a child. Just sayin'. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. 21 weeks pregnant, T1 and just had a blood sugar of 160 after breakfast. Was freaking out but then the little spud in there decided to have a dance party. I do think that all the worrying we are doing is just preparing us for the next, oh say 50 years of having a child! I try to schedule my ultrasounds (every 4 weeks) to be 2 weeks away from my OB appts (every 4 weeks) so I don't have to go longer than 2 weeks without seeing/hearing my little spud. Just an idea to help ease your mind. We might as well take advantage of all these appts :)
ReplyDeleteWishing the best for you! :)
DeleteThank you for making this blog. I just started following. I'm 25 & have been T1 for 21 years. I'm not in the best control (a1c is 7, but I'm a shotgun pattern 7). I'm newly married and though kids are far away for right now, you give me a little glimmer of hope that we can be parents, too. Everything you write about is what I worry about too. So thank you for writing and good luck with your bg's (I'm rebounding at the moment...blah!)
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to meet you, Jessica!
DeleteThis post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy for you! Like Kerri said, you're already a great mom.
ReplyDeleteIt is HARD to feel secure in pregnancy until that little kiddo starts moving - until then, there's too much time between appointments and heartbeats for that doubt to kick in. And it's justifiable doubt! Our bodies have failed us before, you know?
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for your popcorn - it's a HUGE step toward feeling like everything's really real.
yay for baby V!
I love this. Your hope gives me hope. I am only in the planning stages and worrying frantically. It's nerve-wracking business—rightfully so! Hang in there. You are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm a guy, and totally unworthy of the magic that all of you mothers work through to create life, but I just want to say that I'm enjoying the journey you're on. Thank you for sharing it with the world. :-)
ReplyDeleteWhat Scott said!
DeleteI know I don't have d, but I struggled with this each time I got pregnant. My mom had several miscarriages and I was convinced I would follow suit. I was scared out of my mind with Lucas because I bled until 16 weeks. Praying for you and this little one. All my kiddos loved to move when they were inside, so once they started, I never had to worry again. I hope your little bean loves to dance just as much!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog this past weekend and have to admit, I'm kinda obsessed. I've been so encouraged because when I read your thoughts it's like I'm reading my own and I don't feel so alone in this. I've been T1 for 4 1/2 years, disgnosed at almost 26 years old. I was just diagnosed in January with a hypothyroid and now my husband and I are in the beginning stages of preparing me to try to get pregnant. I'm terrified even though it's what I've always wanted, I'm so scared.
ReplyDeleteHi Jessi! I'm glad you found me. "Terrified" sounds about right - but you just do the best you can with what you have. The fact that you're planning and thinking ahead already gives you an advantage over many!
DeleteWishing good things for you.
I think I leave the same comment every time here, but... so happy, happy for you. This is great.
ReplyDeleteTotally understand! I am 6 weeks now and it seems like time is moving SOOOOOOOO slow! I am ready for 2nd trimester! I now freak out with every blood sugar; I have turned into a crazy woman I feel bad for my husband.
ReplyDelete