DIABETES TALKING IN ALL CAPS.

(FYI: this post will make a whole lot more sense if you're already familiar with this site; specifically entries like this one, this one and this one.)

SOMETIMES I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT AND WONDER WHY MY PANCREAS JUST COMPLETELY STOPPED WORKING. I MEAN, WTH, RIGHT? I SHOULD DONATE IT TO SCIENCE. IT'S ABOUT AS USELESS AS LEARNING THE METRIC SYSTEM.

NANCY, YOUR WHOLE PANCREAS DIDN'T BREAK. JUST THE PART THAT MAKES INSULIN. ALSO, LEARNING THE METRIC SYSTEM IS KIND OF IMPORTANT. THE WHOLE REST OF THE WORLD USES IT.

 I WILL LEARN THE METRIC SYSTEM WHEN THEY FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN MY BETA CELLS BACK FROM ZOMBIES INTO WORKING PARTS OF MY BODY, LUCILLE.

NO ONE SAID YOUR PANCREAS HAD ZOMBIES IN IT.

IT COULD, LUCILLE. YOU DON'T KNOW.

ACTUALLY, I DO. I'M A DOCTOR.

YOUR MOM IS A DOCTOR.

SIGH.

THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL SHOWED THE MODELS HOLDING THE PUMPS LIKE THIS WITH ONLY THEIR THUMBS AND INDEX FINGERS, SO THAT'S HOW I'VE BEEN HOLDING IT FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS.

WAIT, WHAT? NO! THAT'S JUST HOW THEY DISPLAY IT.

NO, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. RICKY WOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

MAYBE RICKY DIDN'T TELL YOU ON PURPOSE. MAYBE RICKY STILL REMEMBERS THAT DAY IN THIRD GRADE WHEN YOU WOULDN'T SHARE YOUR SECOND HAM AND PROVOLONE SANDWICH WITH HIM ON THE DAY HIS MOM FORGOT TO PACK HIM A LUNCH. MAYBE HE NEVER LET IT GO.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT. RICKY LOVES ME.

MAYBE HE JUST WANTED TO RECORD YOUR REACTION AND PUT IT ON YOUTUBE SO THAT HE COULD FINALLY GET ON TOSH.0.

I WILL CUT RICKY.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERY FEMALE CELEBRITY WANTS TO WEAR THESE THINGS CALLED BANDAGE DRESSES LATELY, YOU KNOW? 

I MEAN, COULDN'T THEY NAME IT SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T REMIND ME OF DIABETES? IT'S LIKE, I'M WATCHING THE OSCARS AND ENJOYING MY NICE GLASS OF RIESLING AND GIULIANA RANCIC COMES ON AND ASKS THEM WHO THEY'RE WEARING, AND I ALMOST DO A SPIT TAKE BECAUSE I THINK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT TEGADERM.

STOP POKING ME WITH WORDS AND JUST GET ME A FREAKING JUICE BOX.